"Let Go of Perfectionism, and Face Your True and Authentic Self: A Step By Step Guide to Heal From the All or Nothing Mindset of Thinking"

Perfectionism

When you mindlessly scroll through social media platforms like Tik Tok, Instagram, and Facebook, it is hard not to fall into the trap of perfectionism. Accomplishment after accomplishment is blasted all over everyone's social media platforms, and we see nothing but highlight reels and happy moments.

These highlight reels, and perfect candid moments that are all over social media and at our fingertips for several hours a day- are causing us to fail as a society. As I watch some of my closest friends, influencers, and celebrities blast highlight reels of their fancy vacations, luxury items, houses, and accomplishments; this begins to feel like the "normal" and what "I" should be doing. It forces a timeline and unrealistic expectations onto our lives, and when we fail to meet the standards of what we "feel" others are doing, we start to think we are flawed, unworthy and falling behind.

In my early adult years, and still to this day I unintentionally find myself mirroring what I see on social media and constantly posting through the lens of perfectionism. On a subconscious level I desire external validation in my life by showing my friends, family members, and loved ones the perfect candid moments, and shots. I feel inclined to share the highs; rather than the real, raw and genuine moments.

I have learned through my own personal experiences that when I try to live up to the expectations of others and what I think others are doing; I lose sight of the present moment and the intentional personal growth that I should be doing in my life and through my own spiritual journey. Instead of being present and living a life aligned with my own personal values, needs, and goals; I find myself falling into the trap of desiring things that don't even bring happiness, joy, and value to my life. Falling victim to desires outside of my values and moral compass breeds negativity, comparison, depression, jealousy, comparison, anger, and despair. If I spend too much time desiring what others have, I lose sight of the things that truly bring me into alignment with my happiest self.

Over the last several years since starting on my own health and wellness journey and trying to heal from a perfectionist mindset, I have been doing intentional work, and taking baby steps to consciously heal and move on from my old perfectionist ways.

Growing up I strived for perfect grades academically, making zero errors in the sports I played, and did whatever I could do to fit in with "the popular crowd." Every time I messed up with school, sports, or struggled to make friends and fit in; I labeled myself as a failure. I never looked at myself and said "I am doing my best," instead I always said if I am not succeeding I am failing. Creating such high standards for myself carried and weighed heavily on my self confidence, self esteem, and self worth as I ventured into adulthood. The new rise in technology, and excessive social media screen time has enabled myself and many others to continue living through the mindset of perfectionism. We see our friends and counterparts posting picture perfect lives, so it continues to feed into the narrative that if we are not succeeding like what we see on our social media platforms- we are "failing" and "unworthy."

Through my own healing journey, and my relationship with god; one of my biggest roadblocks to finding peace, joy, and happiness in each present moment is my desire for perfection.

When I fall into the trap of perfectionism- I start viewing my experiences, choices, habits, and behaviors with an all or none mindset of thinking. It takes a conscious effort not to fall victim to all or none thinking, and trying to navigate through life and identify when I am thinking in terms of all in or not in at all has been a real challenge.

Today I am going to help others identify if they are using this negative lens of thinking, and give you action steps to recognize it, and start healing. Trust me when I say- I struggle with this mindset all the time, and I hope this blog post helps one person feel more comforted and not alone in their battle with perfectionism.

Today we will cover these key concepts:

1. What the All or None Mindset of Thinking Is

2. How this Mindset Effects Our Lives

3. How to Identify When You Are Using This Lens of Thinking

4. Strategies to Heal and Move on From This Mindset of Thinking

5. My Own Personal Testimony on How Recognizing and Managing This Lens Has Changed My Life

Perfectionists: The Strong Link to All Or None Thinking

What is the all or none mindset of thinking?

All or None thinking is a common mindset or lens of thinking that perfectionists see the world through. You see the world in extremes- Right/wrong, hot/cold, black/white, on/off.

When you are a perfectionist battling with all or none thinking; you consider yourself a failure anytime you have a hiccup in life. Perfectionists use the all or none mindset of thinking with their careers, personal relationships, their spiritual journey, hobbies, passions, academics, and their health and fitness journey.

How This Mindset Effects Our Lives

When you see the world as on/off, black/white, in/out; it is hard to give ourselves grace, balance, and self acceptance when we have imperfect moments in life. Constantly seeing ourselves as a failure because we aren't perfect does nothing but creates a downward spiral to our worth, self esteem, confidence, and overall wellbeing. Nothing in life is balanced when we fall victim to all or none thinking- so operating through this lens can create negativity, anxiety, depression, resentment, hopelessness, sadness, anger, and abandonment from our true and authentic self.

Some Examples of all or none thinking that is commonly seen in perfectionists

• Rather than accepting someone is a human and they make mistakes; you label them as good or bad.

• You either are dieting or not dieting at all

• You exercise or don't exercise at all

• You quit something when you aren't good at it

• You either budget or don't budget at all

• When you drink, you drink to get DRUNKKKKKK

• When a person makes one mistake you stop trusting them completely

• A mistake at your job makes you paranoid you will get fired

• If your friend doesn't text you- you immediately think they hate you

• If someone wrongs you- they are a villian or bad person

• When you take up running for the first time you expect to go far and be in shape immediately

Even if you don't label yourself as a perfectionist per say- humans subconsciously spend a lot of their time living through the lens of being all in or not in at all. When many people embark on a health and wellness journey, we most often times fail to make diet and exercise a part of our life because we fall victim to the all or nothing mindset of thinking. We have a belief system that if we aren't 100% committed to diet and exercise, we should not be committed at all. This mindset breeds negativity, and quite honestly sets us up to fail, and does nothing but negatively impacts our long term health.

Thinking like something is black and white, right or wrong, on or off is creating a belief system that there is no in between, room for failure, room for small steps, and room for gradual growth. When you are "ON" and "committed" there is no doubt that you will be met with instant gratification, and a dopamine spike. However, when you start challenging the all or none mindset of thinking, you buy into trusting the process and journey. You trust in the process by buying into the slow burn, and accepting that delayed gratification is truly where the magic happens. Trusting in the process means you will begin to recognize that your wellness journey and other endeavors in life take time, and you need slow gradual shifts in habits to build long term meaningful change.

When you practice through the lens of progress not perfection you understand that your experiences and endeavors in life do require making mistakes, and sometimes require giving yourself grace. If you can't be 100% in all the time that is okay.. it's about the journey to becoming better by being consistent slowly, and one step at a time.

When you practice through the lens of progress not perfection there are times were you have the opportunity to press hard on the gas pedal and go hard with your commitments, and other times life happens and you have to let off the gas pedal a little. Even when you let off the gas pedal a little; the car doesn't just come to a complete stop, you still are cruising slowly in the right direction. When you are practicing through the lens of all in or not in at all- you don't cruise at all; you either go really fast in the right direction, or completely opposite in the wrong direction.

So I ask you this question after the feedback I just shared-what mindset would you rather practice?

All or none- mindsets with your fitness and nutrition journey

Too many times an individual won't commit to a healthier diet because "they can't commit to exercise too." A person thinks that if they can't commit to both a healthier diet and exercise they are failing, when really a little bit of effort in just our diet alone would make meaningful change to a person's overall wellbeing.

The all or none mindset of thinking is also practiced when individuals pursue extreme fad diets. Going extreme with your nutritional choices will often times result in fat/weight loss through instant gratification, but this extreme will often times not last long because it is so restrictive to our lifestyle.

People who pursue fad diets often times live in all in or not in at all mindsets because they are either "on/off" with their dieting journey. The instant gratification will be there when the weight comes off quickly, but a person is unable to identify that the only reason the weight is coming off quickly is because they are practicing nutritional habits completely opposite of how they used to live. Their subconscious mind cannot spend forever practicing habits and behaviors that are polar opposite (all in) from what they were doing before (not in at all)- so their choices, habits, and behaviors will slowly and gradually transition back into their old learned patterns and behaviors. Since their subconscious brain is unable to commit to the fad diet for the long term, those who fail to stay in this restrictive fad diet state will label themselves as a "failure" and go back to the opposite of being all in with the fad diet, and most often times gain their weight back, and maybe even more. This coins the term "Yo Yo Dieter." Most "Yo Yo Dieters" don't trust the slow burn, and fall victim to all in or not in at all mindsets time and time again; rather than developing a progress not perfection mindset with their diet and exercise.

Operating through the all in or not in at all lens of thinking is a slippery slope because a little bit of commitment and a little bit of effort is greater than no effort at all. When you keep falling victim to the all or none mindset of thinking you don't view your experiences, habits, behaviors, and choices through a progress not perfection mindset; instead your perspective, beliefs, habits, and choices are either right or wrong, perfect or imperfect, black or white. Since you don't believe in the grey, you tend to be on/off with your choices, commitments, and habits- continuing with the constant spiral of never being able to commit to a long term health and wellness journey.

How to Identify You are Using The All or None Lens of Thinking

The key to identifying this lens of thinking is personal inventory and awareness surrounding your daily choices, habits, and behaviors. You have to ask questions to discover and challenge if your ways of thinking are black/white, right/wrong, on/off, etc...

Some Inventory Questions to Ask Yourself?

• When you set commitments for a career, personal, or wellness goal are the commitments extreme and frictional?

• When you pursue a passion or a hobby do you quit very quickly if you aren't good at it or make a mistake?

• Do you think you are a failure or self deprecate when you make a mistake with your finances, relationships, career, or wellness journey?

• When you act out of character do you fear that you are not a good enough person for your partner and friendships?

• Is your house one of these extremes: completely spotless or cluttered and chaotic?

• Is your diet and exercise either "on track" or completely "off the rails?"

• Do you spend all hours of the day being productive or in a completely opposite state- vegetative and in freeze mode?

• Do you struggle with friendships?

  • When someone makes a mistake and wrongs you- do you completely disassociate from them because you label them as a bad person even if they apologize?

• Do you allow one negative experience to ruin your entire day?

  • When you have a negative experience-you find yourself struggling to focus on anything positive the rest of your day?

Strategies to Heal and Move on From The All or None Mindset of Thinking

Lets heal shall we? :)

So how do we overcome this mindset, and move on to bigger more abundant perspectives of thinking?

Recognize this mindset by challenging your belief systems everyday.

How you talk to yourself is subconscious patterning. Its an accumulation of what other people told you growing up, and what you chose to believe about yourself through previous experiences.

Don't feel worthy of love and attention? Someone or an experience made you feel that way in the past, and now you believe that. Challenge it, and start to tell yourself you are a human experiencing life, and mistakes will happen. The mistakes and hiccups in life don't make you good or bad, or a success/failure. They make you human. Growing takes mistakes, and learning to not label yourself in either extreme is step one to healing from this mindset of thinking.

Develop realistic commitments when you are pursuing goals

When you have pursued a wellness journey in the past, or a new passion- start small. If you commit to reading a book, and have never been a reader; commit to one page a night rather than an entire chapter. If you are new to the gym, and have goals to lose fat commit to 1-2 sessions a week rather than showing up everyday. Being all in with habits and commitments will create a lot of friction and anxiety in your life. Looking at your commitments through the perspective of gradual and non-frictional daily habits and commitments will set you up for long term success. Confidence is created when you show up and stay consistent with your commitments. Unrealistic commitments will negatively impact consistency, while realistic commitments will create consistency. So start small and build!

Journal your experiences or try therapy

My personal battle with perfectionism and all or nothing thinking has been lifelong. I still find myself falling victim to this mindset very frequently. I am always questioning my choices, habits, behaviors, and the way I communicate with my friends and family members. I love journaling my experiences; the highs, lows, and emotions that I am feeling when I go through experiences. Listening to self help podcasts, books, and podcasts have also helped me to challenge my negative belief systems, and develop a growth mentality. If you still feel like you are struggling and not able to overcome mental barriers and road blocks with your self worth, self confidence, and overall wellbeing I encourage you to try therapy to help overcome your perfectionist mindset. I still find barriers from my childhood experiences, trauma, and old belief systems that inhibit my ability to grow, but with time, patience and therapy, and continued resilience I know I will get there one step at a time.

My Own Personal Experiences: Healing From an All or None Mindset of Thinking

I truly believe since challenging my thoughts and belief systems to be more grey and less black and white; I have found more abundance and happiness in my day to day routine.

Little things like waking up and reading the bible for 5 minutes a day are a personal win, whereas the old version of myself would have only called myself successful or worthy when I would read an entire chapter of the bible. I recognized that I was operating from a place of lack rather than a place of abundance.

As James Clear once said, "The small atomic habits are what make big impactful change."  If you create habits that require large frictional steps to reach a goal- you may be consistent once and never again, whereas the small baby step habits to reaching a goal are where consistency is bred.

So after reading this blog, I encourage you to "spend more time being okay living in the grey, and not forcing yourself to living life in terms of black or white."

Much Love and Happy Habits,

Juliane Volosky

Author of Happy Habits Health and Wellness Blog