Unlearning Shame: The Key to Unlocking Your Healthiest and Happiest Self

SPOILER ALERT/STRANGER THINGS: Cue the scene of Stranger Things- Where the Mind Flayer/Vecna latches his tentacles onto Will's head to manipulate his mind. That is how I visualize shame, and how it impacts your overall well-being. Will symbolizes a person's overall well-being, and Vecna symbolizes how shame can manipulate your mind, thought patterns, and belief systems. Shame makes you question your self-worth, negatively impacting your overall wellbeing. The more you let shame win, the more the inner dialog in your head changes, and not for the better.

Shame.

Shame has a funny way of latching onto your happiness and sucking it right out from under you. When you allow shame to rule over your mind and everyday life experiences, you continue to run away from the healthiest and most ideal version of yourself. Shame creates a viscous voice in your head that quietly reminds you that you are not enough, not only for yourself, but how you show up for others. Because shame usually operates quietly and sneakily, most people do not have the bandwidth to recognize that shame has them in a chokehold. Shame destroys your confidence and self-trust, while enabling thought patterns of self-destruction.

A visual and symbolic depiction of Shame.

While I’m still uncovering the exact roots behind my own thought patterns of shame, I knew it was time to rewrite my story and thoughts, and find a more fulfilled, balanced, and peaceful life by putting all my feelings of shame to rest. I’ve been learning to repattern the old belief systems around shame by adopting healthier energetic boundaries and mindsets that support who I am becoming, rather than allowing shame to define this for me.

The point of this blog is to discuss the ways shame can easily rule over your life, and how to untether and better navigate shame so that it feels possible to live a healthier, fufilled, and more present life.

When shame wants to sneak in and tell you who you are, it’s your job to remind yourself that you are not your thoughts, you are just a soul witnessing them. It’s time to shut down shame, and repattern self-trust.

Shame & Your Habits

Shame around your daily habits and routines will make you delay, avoid, or self-destruct over each habit you have not perfected. Being seen doing something wrong creates so much fear and anxiety that you avoid the important habits and routines that could align your life with feelings of peace and fulfillment.

Examples of Shame In Everyday Habits:

-Shame around physical activity: You look at the gym negatively with a shame mindset. Instead of bettering yourself and your body, you focus on all the people who will judge you for what you are doing, wearing, or how you are moving. Shame also finds a way to tell your mind that progress isn't showing, or you aren't seeing progress fast enough. So after a few months of physical activity- shame will tell you the work is not “paying off” so you stop showing up for yourself. Shame for the win- if you allow external validations and opinions from others win.

-Shame around nutritional habits: When it comes to enjoying your favorite cookie or piece of cake- you choose to feel shame around these foods. Negative thought patterns flood in and tell you, "you shouldn't eat that," or the opposite- “I messed up, so I may as well keep this spiral of desserts going today." Shame enables irrational decisions out of alignment with your true character because shame shows up and hammers away at the version of yourself capable of eating a desert guilt free. Shame irrationally connects food to your morals. If you eat bad- you are morally bad, if you eat good- you are morally good. Instead of food simply being fuel for your living body, food makes or breaks your self-worth. Shame for the win- if you allow your thoughts to connect food to your moral value.

-Shame around accolades or productivity: This one hurts for me big time. I grew up linking my worth and identity to productivity. I thought with every fiber of my being, that my work performance shaped my worth, and feelings of success. I felt shame around caring for myself when it came to work; I avoided calling off sick, setting healthy boundaries to have a work/life balance, and always tried to be available for coworkers outside of work. This shame of being the most productive and looking perfect for others began to dim my light, and cause burnout. I didn’t have pattern recognition to realize it's okay to have an identity outside of your job. Linking your identity and self-worth to productivity allows shame to win, and fails the inner part of you needing stillness and habits that bring you peace. When you link your worth to your job you shut down your inner world and only care about your external world and who you are serving. If you only feel valuable when you are serving others you are letting shame win, so shame for the win if you let a productivity mindset win.

-Shame around social connection: A few unhealthy social and intimate relationships through my teenage and young adult years really took a toll on my self-worth. Fundamentally relationships are meant to be a cohesive bond between two humans who energetically give and take from each other without pressure or guilt. For years- I thought and believed that my value and worth could only be found by showing up for others. Several one-sided connections, and feelings of complete emptiness made me realize that your worth is not about how you show up for others. I was experiencing shame around connections, and didn't realize I was abandoning myself to be seen as "worthy" to others. It’s okay to have healthy connections with friends where you don't have to "prove" your worth, and showing up as your genuine and true self is ENOUGH.

Unlearning Shame Redefining Self-Trust

After all my own life experiences, I want to share some ways in which I was able to unlearn shame, and repattern self-trust.

Unlearning shame begins when you can call shame out and put a name to it. During your everyday life experiences, you must take a moment, get present, and recognize when your thoughts are operating from a space of shame, such as self-abandonment, perfectionism, guilt, or self-criticism. Shame thinks it is protecting you, but these false belief systems can hurt you and hinder personal growth and fulfillment. So when you call shame out, put a name to it, you can disarm it, begin to understand your patterns, and eventually learn to heal from it.

A little four step checklist to release the feelings of "Shame"

• Step 1: Name the Feeling, Identify the Lie

  • Ask: What is the specific thought causing this feeling?

  • Examine: Is this thought fact, or is it a familiar, limiting belief trying to hold me back? Shame can be a very deceptive narrative. So when you are feeling shame and it is not a true narrative-move onto the next step.

• Step 2: Free Yourself from the Deceptive Thoughts

  • If you determine the thought is not true, immediately declare to yourself or outloud, I will no longer let this thought hold power over me."

• Step 3: Stay the Witness of Your Thoughts, Don't Become the Thought

  • You are not your thoughts; you are the soul witnessing them. Acknowledge the feeling ("I am feeling shame right now." Separate shame from your identity. Remind yourself that shame is a temporary belief, not the truth in who you are at your core or identity.

• Step 4: Rewrite Your Story Line to Your Thoughts with Self-Love and Compassion

  • Rewrite your story and narrative so that you can replace feelings of shame: Consciously replace the feelings of shame with a more positive, kind affirmation about yourself

    • Example: I may be feeling shame right now, but I am not my thoughts. I am showing up as the best version of myself every day, and sometimes that version of myself is not perfect. As long as I'm trying, I am improving, and shame can't live in me when I know my imperfections, and who I am at my core.

I hope this blog inspires you to do some deep inward reflection on the areas of your life that are encompassed by shame. Shame is often a deceptive thought, and not a true reflection of who you are at your core. The more often you can step back and be a witness to these thoughts and belief systems, the more likely you are to repattern those thoughts, heal, and work towards a healthier, happier you.

Silent Grit, Loud Results

The most successful people I know and feel inspired by- surround themselves with a tribe of individuals who motivate, and encourage personal growth. However- real change and growth comes in those moments of soltitude when no one is watching or celebrating your wins. It’s easy to call it quits when no one is watching, but this is where it’s important to follow through. When you do, these instances are called silent grit moments, which build fulfillment, confidence, and discipline towards your goals.

Some examples:

If the only way you will get to the gym is by getting a gym partner- reframe your lens of thinking with a grit mentality. You have a gym partner for parallel accountability- but you still show up, even the days they can’t make the gym with you.

As great as it is to get a coach in an area of your life that you are trying to improve- if a coach is the only way you are motivated to show up for yourself, you need reframe your lens of thinking with a grit mentality. A coach will guide you and give you the tools to succeed, faster and more effectively, but real change comes from the willingness to make the changes they coach you on longterm, and on the days and hours you aren’t working with them.

If the only way you grow a faith journey with god and Jesus is by going to church every Sunday- you need reframe your lens of thinking with a grit mentality. The real relationship with Jesus and God- is the one in soltitude, prayer, and learning gods voice through scripture. Getting to know gods voice and heart is truly done in your own spiritual walk- the Sunday service is just a way to solidify and strengthen that bond with god and Jesus.

“I’ve told my clients for years- grit and grace is a hard tightrope to walk.

Too much grace without grit, and you find yourself making choices and building habits that don’t align with your long-term goals.

Too much grit without grace, and you spend a lifetime fighting perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, and patterns of low self-worth and self-esteem.

Your life needs to be filled with a good balance of grace and grit so you can show up for yourself, and experience positive transformation.

I am going to share a few tips for cultivating grit so that you can see LOUD results:

1. Inventory your daily habits, and determine what habits are distracting you from your goals and a spiritual walk to your healthiest and happiest self.

   • Find your biggest distractions. For most of us it is screen time through television, social media, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, or emotional eating. Boundaries surrounding these negative habits need to be enforced so that you stay aligned with your goals. Grace should be practiced when we fall victim to them on rare occasions, but if they are constantly distracting you from reaching your goals- you need to get a grit mentality and show up for the hard things that align with your goals- even when the positive habits are hard to practice and adopt, and the negative ones are ruling your life. Exhale the negative habits, and inhale/adopt the positive habits

2. Find your tribe.

   • Who you surround yourself with is key to reaching success with your goals, and living a healthy and happy life. If you surround yourself with individuals who enable the habits and behaviors that distract you from your goal self- you don’t reach your full potential with goal setting. If you surround yourself with people who hold you accountable to your goals and want to see you be better, you gain confidence and motivation to stay aligned with your goals. Although a lot of reaching your goals is staying aligned and moving in silence on your own, your tribe makes it easier and motivates you in the times you need more support.

3. Tune out criticism, and keep your focus on your calling.

   • Your life and calling inside your heart may not look the same as your family, friends, and coworkers. People may criticize and judge you for having different habits and choices. Let them. Practice grace and accept others who don’t live the same lifestyle as you, but don’t let others who criticize you tear you down for living a life different than theirs. The more you can say no to the things that don’t serve you, the more you can call in, say yes, and follow through on the things that do.

4. Do the hard things often.

   • Doing the hard things is key for growth and breaking old systems and patterns that don’t serve you. When you choose to do the hard things over and over again you start building confidence by showing up for yourself. You truly begin to learn what a grit mentality is. When you do the hard things it gets easier to say no to the things that don’t align, and you follow through on the things that do. Doing the hard things not only helps you foster a grit mentality it will continue to move your habits, beliefs, choices, and moral compass in the right direction towards your goals.

If this blog teaches you anything- I hope it teaches you to practices awareness around the tightrope you walk of grit and grace.

Remember:

Practicing too much grace without grit, and you find yourself making choices and building habits that don’t align with your long-term goals.

Practicing too much grit without grace, and you spend a lifetime fighting perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, and patterns of low self-worth and self-esteem.

The more you can strike a healthy balance of grit and follow through on the hard things, and continue to show up for yourself- the happier you will be. My hope is that after reading this blog you will find that healthy balance for yourself so that you can continue to build a healthy, happy, and intentional life.

Much love and happy habits,

Juliane 💕

Fat Loss 101: Forget the Fads, and Focus on the Fundamentals

Competition Prep: October 2021. Won my OCB Bikini Competitor Pro Card in Pittsburgh, PA.

I want to tone up, lose weight, and feel more confident when I look in the mirror.

As a wellness coach, personal trainer, and competitive body builder; many women will approach me with goals to "lose weight, tone up, and look better in their everyday clothes." Most people want to reach these goals of fat loss, weight loss, and toning up as quickly, easy, and as fast as possible.

The Honest Truth About Fat Loss

Fat loss needs to be a slow and gradual process to be sustainable and maintainable long term. Most of us don't just put on a ton of weight and get to a place of discomfort where one day you decide you need to make a change. It's usually a result of slow and gradual weight accumulation over several years' time. Some of us aren't exactly at an extreme point of discomfort with our outer appearance yet, but have a fear that you may get to a point of discomfort if you keep continuing your current habits. Weight gain doesn't usually happen quickly or suddenly, so I am always confused why social media sells dopamine boosting, and quick fix fat loss gimmicks as the only way to make change.

I feel inclined to share the fundamentals of fat loss with those who feel stuck, lost, or unsure on where to begin when it comes to a weight loss goal. This no bull shit approach to fat loss has worked for me, and several of the clients I have coached. These approaches are backed and supported by thousands of coaches in the health and wellness world, and many of these approaches are also backed by research.

I feel inclined to give individuals the tools and resources to start working towards a fat loss journey in a no bullshit, no gimmick, zero short cut way, because I truly believe this is one of the only ways fat-loss will stick long term, and for good. So many people fall into super restrictive habits that they can't maintain long term like cleanses, 6-week fat burner programs, fad diets, and different dieting pills/medicines. When people fall into these fads, they gain more weight back or fall even more out of alignment with their goals from where they first began. Fad diets and quick fix dieting approaches will mentally destroy an individual's confidence because they will not be able to follow through on these habits long term because of how restrictive they are. When you don't follow through your self-confidence and self-worth will continue to plummet downhill.

Showing up for yourself and following through on sustainable habits consistently is a sure-fire way to build results, self-confidence and self-worth over time, and for the long-term. I encourage everyone of the clients that I work with to make sure the habits they start building on their health and wellness journey are maintainable, doable, and as non-frictional as possible at the start of their journey. Too often we overcommit and overpromise at the beginning of our wellness journey, and the habits we are trying to build become way to frictional out the gate, derailing our motivation, progress, and ability to follow through. Rather than starting small, and scaling fat loss habits with time, we start at the top with the most frictional and unsustainable habits, and unfortunately stumble, tumble, and tear our inner confidence down by failing to follow through.

Fat loss is not an easy feat for any person, even the most experienced experts will tell you that fat loss is a serious commitment that requires serious habit change in several areas including diet, sleep, mood/stress levels, exercise habits, movement, and hydration. As promised, lets break down fat loss in a no bullshit way so that when you are ready to start pursuing a fat loss goal you have all the tools and resources to do so in a doable, realistic, and fundamental way that doesn't cut corners, doesn't become too restrictive, and can be implemented long term.

Fat Loss Fundamentals 101 (No Bullshit Approach):

1. To Lose Fat You Have to Eat in a Calorie Deficit. The easiest way to eat in a calorie deficit is to figure out your total daily energy expenditure (TDEE). You can find a TDEE calculator in any google search platform, I usually use the following one- TDEE Calculator. Any TDEE calculator will be fine as long as you provide the proper demographics age, height, weight, sex, and activity status.

2. Once you calculate your TDEE, you would want to start tracking calories through a calorie tracking app. Your daily calorie goal would need to be 300-400 calories under your TDEE. If you eat at your TDEE you will not lose any weight, if you eat above your TDEE you will gain weight. So it's important to start tracking at least 300-400 calories under your TDEE so that you can be sure you are pursuing your fat loss goal by eating in a calorie deficit. You can download MyFitnessPal or any other food tracking app to start tracking your daily calories and ensure each day you are eating consistently in a calorie deficit.

3. On MyFitness Pal or the Calorie Tracking app that you use, once you have set your calorie goal to reflect the 300-400 calorie deficit from your TDEE, you would also want to start looking at your macronutrient breakdowns. The foods you eat breakdown in your body as sources of energy called macronutrients. Macronutrients consist of carbs, fats, and proteins. You need to eat in a calorie deficit to lose fat, but also focusing on a certain percentage of carbs, fats, and proteins each day. The percentage of carbs, fats, and proteins will vary by individual but starting by calculating your protein goal is the first step with determining your macros.

4. A high protein goal is super important when you are pursuing a fat loss goal. Protein is the building block of muscle, and aids in improving metabolic function. Since protein is the macro nutrient that takes the longest to metabolize, it helps keep you satiated throughout the day, making dieting easier long term when you are focused on a protein goal. A protein goal also ensures that you are building muscle when you are strength training. Building muscle during strength training while losing fat eating in a calorie defecit is the best way to see fat loss results long term because muscle burns more calories at rest than fat. Setting a high protein macro goal is essential to anyone wanting to pursue a fat loss goal. When you begin focusing on a protein goal, you want to consume atleast 1.7-2.0g per kg of body weight in protein a day. I promise if you prioritize fiber, this will be okay on your kidneys and GI. That myth has been debunked.

5. Outside of your daily protein goal, your daily consumption of carbs and fats should reflect gram ranges that are sustainable long-term for you and help you maintain a calorie deficit. A semi-keto approach (higher fat, high protein, lower carb) is best for people who gravitate towards fats as their primary food sources, while a carb/protein-based approach (higher carb, high protein, lower fat) is best for people who respond and gravitate towards carbs as their primary food sources. The approach you choose should be based on your age, what foods your body responds well to, and what foods you enjoy eating most. For example, I really have to focus my attention on not overeating carbs and under eating protein when I am focused on losing fat. I absolutely love carbs, and wish I could only consume them, so I do not think that I would be successful pursuing a semi-keto calorie defecit approach long term since I tend to gravitate towards carbs. I have been very successful in the past focused on eating in a calorie deficit with macros that are higher carb, high protein, and lower fat. To continue losing fat it really comes down to making sure you are prioritizing your protein goal, ensuring you are eating in a calorie deficit each and every day, and keeping your fats and carbs in the right ranges based on what macro approach you choose .

6. Strength Training is also key to fat loss. The more muscle you build, the more your metabolic health improves. Which is why a lot of people see better fat loss and more muscle definition long term when they strength train 3-4x a week on top of consistently eating in a calorie deficit. Strength training is not only great for fat loss, but also for keeping your bones strong, and muscles healthy long term. Building healthy lean muscle tissue is ideal for long term blood glucose regulation, maintaining healthy blood pressure ranges, preventing age related diseases, keeping your body free from chronic pain, and so much more. Make sure when you are pursuing a fat loss goal you prioritize strength training as one of your fat loss habits too. Your older self will thank you later when your metabolic health stays in a great place long term!

7. Cardio/Walking/Endurance Training. Strength training is the only way to build lean muscle tissue, but cardio, walking, elliptical, biking, and jogging are forms of cardio training that will also help an individual stay in a calorie deficit. Cardio training should never be used to excuse poor nutritional habits, but it should be used as an extra tool to ensure you are in a calorie deficit and getting a lot more movement in throughout the day. A good combination of 3-4 strength sessions a week with two to three 20–30-minute cardio sessions a week will really ensure you are focused on fat loss, and being in a calorie defecit.

8. General Movement/Steps. More movement and steps throughout the day can ensure you will achieve fat loss when eating in a calorie deficit. Getting steps outside anytime you have a chance, parking your car further away at the store, taking the stairs, going for a 5-10 minute walk after dinner, or going for a walk during your lunch break are all ways to get more movement in throughout the day. More movement throughout the day= more calories burned period. Adding extra movement in with some planned cardio sessions will be sure to ensure long term fat loss results.

9. Sleep. Sleep is key when you are focused on fat loss. Not getting enough sleep has been linked in research to increased weight gain and obesity. When you sleep poorly (an average of 4-6 hours a night is considered poor), your body is stressed and not able to control hunger hormones as efficiently as a well-rested body. These hunger hormones will release when you are not sleeping and recovering well, causing you to crave processed foods and sugars. Poor sleep quality not only will affect the release of these hunger hormones making you feel more hungry for processed foods/sugars, the more often you sleep poorly the higher likelihood you will have of over consuming calories due to these hormone spikes. If you are not prioritizing a healthy amount of quality sleep each night, your fat loss goals can really be impeded by your bodies metabolic response to poor sleeping habits.

10. Stress. Stress management is key when you are focused on fat loss. Learning how to navigate, manage, and work through emotions in a healthy way can ensure that you are not using food and exercise in a negative way as a coping mechanism to handle stress. Many people can overeat or undereat due to stress, and the same applies to over exercising or under exercising due to stress. Learning how to manage emotions is key to moving forward and not allowing your eating and movement habits to impede your goals and your overall wellbeing due to stress. Meditating, therapy, getting out in nature, deep breathing, and journaling are all great ways to manage stress.

11. Whole food based foods. Nutrient dense foods are key to maintaining long term success with fat loss. We live in a society where we have access to high palatable, nutrient poor foods. Although processed foods are okay to eat in moderation, and can even be included in your daily diet if you are maintaining a calorie defecit- they do increase hunger cues, and can cause binging tendencies. Four ounces of chicken, with a palmful of rice, and 2 palmfuls of broccoli will leave you much more satiated than a blueberry muffin with the same calorie content as the chicken, rice, and broccoli. So although processed foods are okay in moderation, the nutrient dense foods are going to be what keeps your mind, body, and spirit satiated and energized best. I love the famous saying that not every meal has to be ground breakingly mouthwatering and delicious. Sometimes the basics make you feel, look, and be aligned with the best version of yourself.

    
    

I truly hope these fat loss fundamentals have been laid out to you in a clear and concise way- so that individuals wanting to pursue a wellness journey focused on fat loss can know where to begin. The habits it takes to align with fat loss can be overwhelming and feel unbearable initially, so my best advice is to start with habits that are small and manageable, and scale up. Even small changes in habits will shift you towards a healthier and happier you one day at a time. Calorie tracking may not be something you need to pursue forever, but it is something many individuals have success with so that they can better understand foods, their ingredients, their caloric content, and the way foods make a person feel. In a world full of hyper palatable and nutrient poor foods- sometimes the key to finding fat loss is learning awareness, acknowledgement, and alignment around the foods you consume, and habits you pursue! These fat loss strategies may be frictional to implement at first, but if you can start gradually implementing them- you will see the success they can bring with time!