Unlearning Shame: The Key to Unlocking Your Healthiest and Happiest Self

SPOILER ALERT/STRANGER THINGS: Cue the scene of Stranger Things- Where the Mind Flayer/Vecna latches his tentacles onto Will's head to manipulate his mind. That is how I visualize shame, and how it impacts your overall well-being. Will symbolizes a person's overall well-being, and Vecna symbolizes how shame can manipulate your mind, thought patterns, and belief systems. Shame makes you question your self-worth, negatively impacting your overall wellbeing. The more you let shame win, the more the inner dialog in your head changes, and not for the better.

Shame.

Shame has a funny way of latching onto your happiness and sucking it right out from under you. When you allow shame to rule over your mind and everyday life experiences, you continue to run away from the healthiest and most ideal version of yourself. Shame creates a viscous voice in your head that quietly reminds you that you are not enough, not only for yourself, but how you show up for others. Because shame usually operates quietly and sneakily, most people do not have the bandwidth to recognize that shame has them in a chokehold. Shame destroys your confidence and self-trust, while enabling thought patterns of self-destruction.

A visual and symbolic depiction of Shame.

While I’m still uncovering the exact roots behind my own thought patterns of shame, I knew it was time to rewrite my story and thoughts, and find a more fulfilled, balanced, and peaceful life by putting all my feelings of shame to rest. I’ve been learning to repattern the old belief systems around shame by adopting healthier energetic boundaries and mindsets that support who I am becoming, rather than allowing shame to define this for me.

The point of this blog is to discuss the ways shame can easily rule over your life, and how to untether and better navigate shame so that it feels possible to live a healthier, fufilled, and more present life.

When shame wants to sneak in and tell you who you are, it’s your job to remind yourself that you are not your thoughts, you are just a soul witnessing them. It’s time to shut down shame, and repattern self-trust.

Shame & Your Habits

Shame around your daily habits and routines will make you delay, avoid, or self-destruct over each habit you have not perfected. Being seen doing something wrong creates so much fear and anxiety that you avoid the important habits and routines that could align your life with feelings of peace and fulfillment.

Examples of Shame In Everyday Habits:

-Shame around physical activity: You look at the gym negatively with a shame mindset. Instead of bettering yourself and your body, you focus on all the people who will judge you for what you are doing, wearing, or how you are moving. Shame also finds a way to tell your mind that progress isn't showing, or you aren't seeing progress fast enough. So after a few months of physical activity- shame will tell you the work is not “paying off” so you stop showing up for yourself. Shame for the win- if you allow external validations and opinions from others win.

-Shame around nutritional habits: When it comes to enjoying your favorite cookie or piece of cake- you choose to feel shame around these foods. Negative thought patterns flood in and tell you, "you shouldn't eat that," or the opposite- “I messed up, so I may as well keep this spiral of desserts going today." Shame enables irrational decisions out of alignment with your true character because shame shows up and hammers away at the version of yourself capable of eating a desert guilt free. Shame irrationally connects food to your morals. If you eat bad- you are morally bad, if you eat good- you are morally good. Instead of food simply being fuel for your living body, food makes or breaks your self-worth. Shame for the win- if you allow your thoughts to connect food to your moral value.

-Shame around accolades or productivity: This one hurts for me big time. I grew up linking my worth and identity to productivity. I thought with every fiber of my being, that my work performance shaped my worth, and feelings of success. I felt shame around caring for myself when it came to work; I avoided calling off sick, setting healthy boundaries to have a work/life balance, and always tried to be available for coworkers outside of work. This shame of being the most productive and looking perfect for others began to dim my light, and cause burnout. I didn’t have pattern recognition to realize it's okay to have an identity outside of your job. Linking your identity and self-worth to productivity allows shame to win, and fails the inner part of you needing stillness and habits that bring you peace. When you link your worth to your job you shut down your inner world and only care about your external world and who you are serving. If you only feel valuable when you are serving others you are letting shame win, so shame for the win if you let a productivity mindset win.

-Shame around social connection: A few unhealthy social and intimate relationships through my teenage and young adult years really took a toll on my self-worth. Fundamentally relationships are meant to be a cohesive bond between two humans who energetically give and take from each other without pressure or guilt. For years- I thought and believed that my value and worth could only be found by showing up for others. Several one-sided connections, and feelings of complete emptiness made me realize that your worth is not about how you show up for others. I was experiencing shame around connections, and didn't realize I was abandoning myself to be seen as "worthy" to others. It’s okay to have healthy connections with friends where you don't have to "prove" your worth, and showing up as your genuine and true self is ENOUGH.

Unlearning Shame Redefining Self-Trust

After all my own life experiences, I want to share some ways in which I was able to unlearn shame, and repattern self-trust.

Unlearning shame begins when you can call shame out and put a name to it. During your everyday life experiences, you must take a moment, get present, and recognize when your thoughts are operating from a space of shame, such as self-abandonment, perfectionism, guilt, or self-criticism. Shame thinks it is protecting you, but these false belief systems can hurt you and hinder personal growth and fulfillment. So when you call shame out, put a name to it, you can disarm it, begin to understand your patterns, and eventually learn to heal from it.

A little four step checklist to release the feelings of "Shame"

• Step 1: Name the Feeling, Identify the Lie

  • Ask: What is the specific thought causing this feeling?

  • Examine: Is this thought fact, or is it a familiar, limiting belief trying to hold me back? Shame can be a very deceptive narrative. So when you are feeling shame and it is not a true narrative-move onto the next step.

• Step 2: Free Yourself from the Deceptive Thoughts

  • If you determine the thought is not true, immediately declare to yourself or outloud, I will no longer let this thought hold power over me."

• Step 3: Stay the Witness of Your Thoughts, Don't Become the Thought

  • You are not your thoughts; you are the soul witnessing them. Acknowledge the feeling ("I am feeling shame right now." Separate shame from your identity. Remind yourself that shame is a temporary belief, not the truth in who you are at your core or identity.

• Step 4: Rewrite Your Story Line to Your Thoughts with Self-Love and Compassion

  • Rewrite your story and narrative so that you can replace feelings of shame: Consciously replace the feelings of shame with a more positive, kind affirmation about yourself

    • Example: I may be feeling shame right now, but I am not my thoughts. I am showing up as the best version of myself every day, and sometimes that version of myself is not perfect. As long as I'm trying, I am improving, and shame can't live in me when I know my imperfections, and who I am at my core.

I hope this blog inspires you to do some deep inward reflection on the areas of your life that are encompassed by shame. Shame is often a deceptive thought, and not a true reflection of who you are at your core. The more often you can step back and be a witness to these thoughts and belief systems, the more likely you are to repattern those thoughts, heal, and work towards a healthier, happier you.